Sometimes I like to imagine what kind of reality TV show I’d have.

The opening credits would be “Basket Case” by Green Day.

Instead of dramatic verbal blowouts with frenemies, I would issue grievous insults to various writers…none of which they would actually hear, because I would shout at my computer screen. Instead of strange misunderstandings with would-be boyfriends, the episode’s tensest moments would center around me finding the right verbiage for a particular scene, or screaming over the price of printer toner. The obligatory saucy roommate would be Juno.

Deep conversations would primarily take place online via IM. A “very special episode” would entail actual human contact via meeting friends for coffee. Season finales would center around the freelancer getting tanked and not remembering if she finished a particular assignment or forgot to feed the cockatiel, and stressing over whether Gannicus will be featured on the next season of Spartacus. 

Fabulous nightclubs, glasses of expensive wine, and Botox would be replaced by cheap booze, Fresh and Easy’s Morning Roast (with hazelnut creamer), and the occasional perusal of all the shoes that I no longer wear. My friends are shockingly non-vicious people, so any catfighting will have to take place between actual cats.

Still. They managed to make Lauren Conrad’s life look interesting and dramatic. I’m sure with some creative editing, I could be introduced to society as a stressed-out, overly caffeinated, alcoholic freelancer, and my bird can come off as an abusive common-law wife that orders me around.

But “Basket Case” needs to stay on as the theme song. That’s non-negotiable.