Steven Seagal wants to be immortal, and he wants Vladimir Putin to help him accomplish this.

Why am I not surprised?

Once upon a time, Steven Seagal was a bankable action star. He had a blockbuster film in Under Siege, in which he ran around on the USS Missouri. Almost two decades after its release, Steven has become…well, he’s gotten more interesting.

It seems like every few years, he does something odd and winds up back in the spotlight. There was that big, public conversion to Buddhism. He started wearing silk jackets likely stolen from the Memoirs of a Geisha wardrobe. He embarked on a singing career. He’d finally slipped entirely from my mind when Steven Seagal: Lawman showed up on cable.

How do you top that?

Why, live forever!

I guess that’s the logical next step. I can see Seagal’s train of thought clearly on this. “You know, that Jack Sparrow has got a point! I should figure out how to live forever. Who’s going to help me out on this? Hey…I bet the Russians are all over this stuff.” Initially, I was surprised he didn’t go to Germany with this; according to the recent flood of recent Nazi movies and documentaries, the Third Reich was all over stuff like immortality and the occult. Then I remembered the Nazis had probably taken their immortality-attaining secrets with them to the moon; if we’re lucky, they’ll bring it back when they invade us with what’s left of Palpatine’s Imperial Navy.

Okay, the Germans are out. Who else is ballsy enough to publically pursue immortality, to hell with what the rest of the world thinks? Hey, how about those guys who killed a dude with radioactivity? Of course! The Russians!

In his letter to Vladimir, Seagal remarks that he considers himself Russian. Seagal himself is from Lansing, Michigan.

Sure, I guess I see the similarity there.

There’s only one real way to solve this. We’ll drop Sarah Palin off in the middle of town and see if she gets confused.