Today I’d like to discuss a very important subject: The lack of fortunes in fortune cookies.

Does anyone remember when this trend started? I have very clear memories of obtaining actual fortunes from fortune cookies; you know, the ones clearly written by non-native speakers: “You meet dark stranger at end of long journey.”

We went to our favorite Chinese restaurant last night. Among our fortunes:

Magnanimity will bring you universal respect.

Little and often makes much.

Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair.

Love is the most valuable thing in life.

Lucky you. Get out your party clothes.

The last one was the closest thing to an actual fortune that any of us got, as it at least suggested my father would be putting on his party clothes (what are party clothes? This statement vaguely concerns me). The rest…what does “Little and often makes much” mean, anyway? Beyond the vague insinuation that Juno is little and poops often, thus creating a great deal of fecal matter.

I miss getting fortunes. There was something deeply exciting about “A long trip awaits you” or “Watch out for betrayal.” Hell, at this point I’d probably settle for “People think you’re an asshole.” It beats Work on in despair.

Work on in despair? Really? That was the motto at my last office job.

I’ve developed a remedy for this. I’m going to write sassy fortunes and put them on CafePress.

Yes. If I can’t get my fortunes from fortune cookies, I can get them from coffee mugs.

That’s actually not the extent of my business plan, but it is the gist of it. I was going to call it Misfortunes, but I think someone’s already beaten me to it. I think I might just call it…suzisms.